Who am I?

I read my blog this morning...I need to tell you guys a little more about me. Where I came from. I was the fat kid. My entire life I was the fat kid. I hated it. My grandmother raised me the first 11 years of my life and she never taught me how to eat healthy. She was a junk food addict. One of her worst habits was the sandwich spread sandwich she would have every night right before bed. A double decker. She let me eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. So I became the fat kid. I also grew up poor. That didn't help the situation. It's incredible hard to eat healthy when you have to eat cheap. I'm not making exscuses. I'm really not. I'm fat because I love food but there are things that contribute to the problem. I was always so scared of new situations and meeting new people. I knew they would judge me. But I survived. I met my husband when I was 19. I never wanted kids. I was lazy and selfish. I admit it. Then we had a pregnancy scare and that motherly instinct kicked it. I wanted a baby. My first pregnancy ended with a miscarriage. The pain of losing that sweet baby stills hurts so deeply after all these years. The doctor told me I was to fat to have a baby. Thanks Doc....just what a girl wants to hear. So I worked my tail off....no really I did. I lost 30 pounds and found myself pregnant. It was such a difficult time. Diabetes and high blood pressure had me at the hospital weekly for ultrasounds and tests. After 36 hours of HARD labor I was a given a c-section. My blood pressure went nuts. I was in the hospital for 6 days and Hannah's blood glucose level was like 14. She was in bad shape. It was 6 days before she was able to come home. We came home together. From day one I worried about her weight. She turns 5 on July 26. My greatest fear is that she will end of being the fat kid. I don't want that for her. It was that fear that sent me down the road to weight loss surgery. I chickened out the first time. My regular doctor put me on adipex. I lost weight but lord have mercy I was whacked out. Don't want to do that again. I lost 60 pounds and hit the wall. Then the weight started creeping back up and I knew it was time to make a decision. So I started over at the beginning. After a year and a LOT of hard work I got the phone call. And that is where my lap band journey really begins. I know I have so much hard work yet to do. But I'm ready. I want to play with my sweet little girl and learn with her about healthy food choices. I want to make her proud of me. I want to be proud of me.